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Offline SouthernExPat

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50 shades of Gateshead
« on: Aug 07, 2012, 09:37 »
50 SHADES OF GATESHEAD – Donny
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He used to be a lovely lad wor Donny and respected women until he had enough of being pissed aboot. He used to gan for the the young uns until he gorra reet good hiding off one lasses Da. “It was an easy mistake to make” he said “they get their tits afore they get tha teeth noowadays”. Ah says “To be fair bro, the Justin Bieber T-short should have given it away mind”

He decided he would gan for the Tena Lady end of the market and starting supping at Grays Neetclub. He says once you got owa the smell of Ralgex and Deep Heat, it wasn’t aal bad. “You see sis, women are like dog turds” he said “the owlder they get, the easier they are to pick up” Frigging cheek ah thowt and a ****ted him one across the chops.

He says ”Divvent git aal Women’s Lib on me. At a certain age, they’re aalways grateful, give yah a good breakfast and even better still, they rarely threaten to tell tha parents”. He had an answer for everything. He would shag a barber shop floor if it had enough hair on it. “Ah’ve never went to bed with an ugly bord in me life” he bragged “but ah’ve woken up with some reet steamers mind”.

Ah asked why he aalways went for the ‘bigger boned’ lass, but he said he considered it charity work and blamed the beer goggles. He met this one wife Brenda, who was a little on the plump side. Once she’d had a few Babychams, she was fair game and when Donny got back to her place, she wanted to turn the lights off. She was from the Old Fold and Donny was surprised the electricity was even on.

He says she slipped oot of ah lycra frock and he couldn’t believe they made bloomers that size. Brenda laughed nervously and said “Aah caal these me ‘Harvest Festivals’ – everything is safely gathered in” She slipped ah bra off and he says her bosoms were swaying like a roof tiler’s nailbags. But worse was to come.

She kicked ah drawers off over ah ankles and, in the dark, he says ah biffer was like a cross between a borst mattress and a clowns pocket. Hoying caution to the wind and casting aside any doubts he might have had of burning his arse on the lightbulb, he was in like flint as usual.

Donny reckons he wasn’t the first wi Brenda that neet cos when he was reaching for the otter’s nose, it was like a billposter’s bucket. A box of assorted creams. Anyroad, it wasn’t until he was on the vinegar strokes that he noticed ah toes were curling with each thrust. He says “Is that normal?” and Brenda says “You didn’t give is time to get me tights off”

Anyroad, they drifted off to sleep and he says the next morning when he lifted the sheet up next tiv im, it was like an episode of Silent Witness. They had an awkward breakfast when Brenda, trying to ‘big’ herself up for another date, said “Ye knaa, for my age, my body’s still in good nick. Ah mean, me tits are still HOT!”

Wor Donny says “Nee wonder flower, ones in ya coffee the other ones in ya porridge”. He's niva seen her again.............
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead...Do not walk in front of me, for I may not Follow...Do not walk beside me...just f*ck off and leave me alone!


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