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Author Topic: clearing out my mobile phone - round 2  (Read 887 times)

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Offline Victoria Sponge

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clearing out my mobile phone - round 2
« on: Apr 03, 2010, 19:35 »
This is a list of those gems that have been sent on my mobile and seem to be rapidly filling my in box.

Thanks to those who've contributed.
May I offer my apologies to those who may be offended.
I'm neither racist or homophobic but at times my sick sense of humour may find both amusing

1)Sorry if my phone keeps calling you. Damn people can't drive in the snow. My phone is voice activated and every time I yell "F****** retard" it dials your number

2)The missus suggested we use some toys in the bedroom to spice things up a bit. She wasn't too impressed. The ungrateful bitch….that Scalextric took me 2 hours to set up

3)Father O'Connor was off sick so father Murphy took the confessions for the day. A woman came in and said “forgive me father, for I have sinned. I gave a man a blow job”. Father Murphy looked on the penance list but he couldn't see blow job listed, so he whispered to a nearby choir boy “What does Father O'Connor give for a blow job these days?” The choir boy replied “usually £2 and a packet of crisps”

4)Two Scottish men, Archie and Iain are discussing Iain's wedding. Ach it's all going well, I've got everything organised, I even bought a kilt to be married in. “Archie Say's That's good. What's the tartin?” Iain says “I imagine she'll be in white”

5)ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ
Just sending you all my letters before the postal strike

6)I've just watched the news for deaf people on BBC. The woman doing the sign language gave up after 3 attempts at signing Cockermouth!

7)What’s the difference between PMT and BSE?
One attacks the cows brain and sends it mental, and the other is some sort of farming problem

8)New antidepressant for lesbians……….Trycoxagain

And keeping to the same theme

9)NOW ON SALE AT IKEA – LESBIAN BEDS
No screwing involved. It's all tongue and groove

10)A Muslim has been caught shagging a sheep in Wales. When questioned he said it was ‘is lamb and he could do what he ******* liked with it

11)My new Chinese neighbour has just given birth to a retarded son. Apparently they are calling him “Sum Ting Wong”

12)All these snow flakes are like Asylum seekers. Millions of them will settle overnight and prevent thousands of British people going to work

13)My friend has just been sacked from his new Job in the wines and spirits section of Asda. An Asian came in and asked him if he recommend a good port
He Said “Dover”

14)A Pakistani has been run over by a reversing car. He is alive but only just. The Police are urging the driver to come forward

15)A man wakes up and says to his wife – do you want coffee or sex.
Wife says “not fussed. Either way it's gonna be instant”

16)A black man says,” Why is it when I have sex with a white women my eyes water and my nose runs?”
His mate replies” That’ll be the pepper spray!”


17)Wife with PMT says to her hubby “ OY, DO YOU WANT ANYTHING TO EAT” Her husband says “What choices are there?”
She replies “ YES OR F*****G NO”

18)Congratulation from sweeshop.co.uk! You have just won the weight of your brain in sweets. To claim your Tic-Tac please go to Thickas****.co.uk

19)Early tip for the Grand National –
CREOSOTE 7/1
Good over fences

20)In a recent Survey, 6 out of 7 dwarfs said they were not Happy

21)Always remember – a man is like a toilet
He's either:-
Free
Taken
Unavailable
Engaged
Out of order
Taking the piss
Or just full of S**T

22)My mate's shagging twins.
I said “How do you tell them apart?”
He said “It’s easy. Julie's got long blonde hair and Derek's got a moustache”

23)1000 Newcastle lads were asked if they thought Britain should change its currency. 99% said no, they were happy with the giro!

24)Block goes to a fetish club and asks for “Total Humiliation”
“£42” says the hostess
“What do I get for that?” he asks
“A Sunderland shirt” she replies

25)I lost in a pub quiz by 1 point.
The question was “Where do women have mostly curly hair?”
Apparently it's Africa!

26)A Charity Pantomine in aid of paranoid schizophrenics and homosexuals descended into chaos yesterday when someone shouted “He’s behind you!”


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Offline Durham Forum

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Re: clearing out my mobile phone - round 2
« Reply #1 on: Apr 04, 2010, 10:28 »

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