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Author Topic: More jokes  (Read 1178 times)

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Offline Durham Forum

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More jokes
« on: May 18, 2011, 14:57 »
Spent £40 on eBay last week for a penis enlarger. Just opened it and some bastd's sent me a magnifying glass!

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.

An old lady is being examined by the Dr. He asks have you ever been been bedridden? she says yes I have and I've been table ended and
backscuttled a few times too!

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse! Do you think I should
change dentists?

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake.

I was in the pub with my wife last night and i said i love you. She said is that you or the beer talking ? I replied it's me talking to the beer.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Hi mate i don't want you to panic but I'm texting you from the casualty. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what i thought it was.

One for the Oldies

Yesterday Sandy asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. She suggested I go down to the senior centre and hang out with the guys.
I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said "Are you nuts?
You're almost 76 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "You idiot, where are your glasses!
This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"
I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do!
I signed up for five jumps a week!


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Offline SouthernExPat

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Re: More jokes
« Reply #1 on: May 18, 2011, 22:44 »
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead...Do not walk in front of me, for I may not Follow...Do not walk beside me...just f*ck off and leave me alone!

Offline tilerman

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Re: More jokes
« Reply #2 on: May 19, 2011, 06:54 »
I am so, going to use the Gloria gaynor one

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