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Author Topic: Oh no! Not another one.  (Read 2347 times)

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Offline Lancelot

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Oh no! Not another one.
« on: Sep 04, 2019, 00:31 »
 We’ve got a bird of prey that only dances to 80s music at night...
 Yes,
 Our kestrel manoeuvres in the dark...



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Offline Lancelot

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Re: Oh no! Not another one.
« Reply #1 on: Sep 10, 2019, 21:57 »
But there are only 16 Fridays 'till Xmas.

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Offline Lancelot

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Re: Oh no! Not another one.
« Reply #2 on: Sep 15, 2019, 21:46 »
You don't have to be Scottish to enjoy a dram, or three, of Whisky, you just have to appreciate the perfection.


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Re: Oh no! Not another one.
« Reply #3 on: Sep 20, 2019, 09:59 »
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?           Finding half a worm.

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Re: Oh no! Not another one.
« Reply #4 on: Nov 13, 2019, 20:40 »
The owner of a golf course in Surrey was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of London. I need some help.

If I were to give you £20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought for a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings”.

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Offline Lancelot

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Re: Oh no! Not another one.
« Reply #5 on: Nov 14, 2019, 18:51 »
My wife was going through her wardrobe, she said "look at this, it still fits me after 25 years" I said "It's a scarf"

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Re: Oh no! Not another one.
« Reply #6 on: Nov 21, 2019, 22:02 »
Driving by Regents Park the sat nav kept saying 'Bear left', 'Bear left'.

I then realised I was passing London Zoo.


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Offline Lancelot

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Re: Oh no! Not another one.
« Reply #7 on: Dec 05, 2019, 00:19 »
My kids keep laughing at me getting things confused as I get older.

I bet they won't be laughing at Christmas when there's no eggs
under the bonfire!

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Offline Lancelot

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Re: Oh no! Not another one.
« Reply #8 on: Dec 06, 2019, 22:07 »
Not one of my normal messages . Bit more serious . If anybody knows of any lonely old people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can they let me know, I need to borrow some chairs.

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Offline Lancelot

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Re: Oh no! Not another one.
« Reply #9 on: Dec 15, 2019, 14:21 »
The Joke of the Century.  Jeremy Corbyn!

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Re: Oh no! Not another one.
« Reply #10 on: Dec 20, 2019, 10:58 »
Anyone bought any Xmas cards to send this year, or thought about doing some Xmas shopping?

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Re: Oh no! Not another one.
« Reply #11 on: Dec 23, 2019, 00:03 »
I guess that no-one on this site is sending Xmas Cards this year then.   Is anyone giving presents?


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Offline Lancelot

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Re: Oh no! Not another one.
« Reply #12 on: Dec 24, 2019, 23:59 »
A man had two of the best tickets for Scotland v England. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for Scotland v England, one of the biggest sporting events of the year, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me but she passed away. This is the first International we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the
seat?"

The man shakes his head... "No. They're all at the funeral.

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Offline Lancelot

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Re: Oh no! Not another one.
« Reply #13 on: Dec 26, 2019, 23:26 »
Any Hot Cross buns on sale anywhere?

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Offline Lancelot

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Re: Oh no! Not another one.
« Reply #14 on: Jan 01, 2020, 23:33 »
So I woke up My dog is laying on the back patio covered in dirt with a rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit's not bloody, just dirty. My neighbor's kids raise blue ribbon rabbits. I instantly knew it was one of theirs.

So I took the rabbit away from my dog, rushed inside, and washed all the dirt off it before my neighbors could come home. It was stiff but I heard some animals play dead when they are afraid but I couldn't remember which ones. I took it and placed it back in one of the cages in their back yard then I ZOOMED back home.

Not 30 minutes later I hear my neighbors screaming so I go out and ask them what's wrong? They tell me their rabbit died three days ago and they buried it but now it's back in the cage.

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Re: Oh no! Not another one.
« Reply #15 on: Jan 08, 2020, 18:09 »
A school to help stop people gambling has opened in Sunderland.
5/1 it fails.

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Re: Oh no! Not another one.
« Reply #16 on: Jan 13, 2020, 15:35 »
If you drive an electric car.....do you need a current licence?

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Offline Lancelot

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Re: Oh no! Not another one.
« Reply #17 on: Jan 13, 2020, 23:05 »
A Charity Pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics and Homsexuals decended into chaos yesterday when someone shouted "He's behind you!"

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Offline Lancelot

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Re: Oh no! Not another one.
« Reply #18 on: Jan 14, 2020, 22:14 »
Apparently 29% of pet owners allow their bed to sleep on the bed with them,   I tried it and my Goldfish died!

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Re: Oh no! Not another one.
« Reply #19 on: Jan 16, 2020, 14:55 »
Two parrots sat on a perch.
One turns to the other and asks,
Can you smell fish?

OK think about it!

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Offline Lancelot

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Re: Oh no! Not another one.
« Reply #20 on: Jan 16, 2020, 16:05 »
I used to be dyslexic but now I am KO

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Re: Oh no! Not another one.
« Reply #21 on: Jan 20, 2020, 23:33 »
A man walks into a shoe store and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.

"Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet. "Try putting the tongue out," the clerk says.

"Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."

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Re: Oh no! Not another one.
« Reply #22 on: Today at 11:47 »
Two nuns are out on a bush walk. After walking for a while they spot a naked man, sitting up in a tree.
Shocked at the sight one of the nuns immediately had a stroke. The other couldn't reach!

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Offline Lancelot

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Re: Oh no! Not another one.
« Reply #23 on: Today at 21:45 »
The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the M4 near Bridgend recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorrys, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry"

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