North East Forum

General => Jokes and Humour => Topic started by: osbega ethelwulf on Jun 03, 2005, 20:39

Title: story time
Post by: osbega ethelwulf on Jun 03, 2005, 20:39
everyone add a line and see how far we can take this!


"once upon a time, there was a weasel called Colin"
Title: re: story time
Post by: Bookworm on Jun 03, 2005, 20:55
Colin didn't like being a weasle because some of the other woodland animals compared him to a second-hand car salesman, who lived in a neighbouring village.
Colin wanted to be a fruit-bat.
Title: re: story time
Post by: CW on Jun 03, 2005, 22:01
He wanted to be a fruit bat so he could chew fruit, then spit out the seeds at his enemy's  :!:
Title: re: story time
Post by: You on Jun 04, 2005, 02:37
The next day Colin went along to a darkened cave in the forest to hang out with some local fruitbats and do a bit of research into the subject, but became encrusted in the guano which the bats were dropping onto him.
Title: re: story time
Post by: llllllllllll llll lllllll on Jun 04, 2005, 08:23
So colin decided enough was enough and applied to the authorities for a council house away from doggie......
Title: re: story time
Post by: Chompish on Jun 04, 2005, 11:11
But he was told that he did not have enough housing points and in order to earn more he should proceed to go and get a girl up the duff and make a joint application on the grounds that she is pregnant.
Title: re: story time
Post by: You on Jun 04, 2005, 11:24
Unable to conceive with the love of his life Colin went to the pub to drown his sorrows in a couple of gallons of the landlords best alcoholic weasel juice.
Title: re: story time
Post by: osbega ethelwulf on Jun 04, 2005, 12:00
after several gallons Colin realised he had strayed into The Pink Palace gay bar instead of his usual and began to question his sexuality
Title: re: story time
Post by: Bookworm on Jun 04, 2005, 19:02
After being complemented, several times, about the condition of his soft, furry pelt, Colin felt a little uneasy and decided to go elsewhere.
Title: re: story time
Post by: CW on Jun 04, 2005, 19:06
So he hopped on a bus to Shildon where he met another fruit bat called Gladys, Gladys convinced him he was all man and............
Title: re: story time
Post by: PR-40 on Jun 04, 2005, 19:10
After a while they found themselvs outside a takaway,they felt a little hugry so went in,only to find
Title: re: story time
Post by: llllllllllll llll lllllll on Jun 04, 2005, 19:21
that the menu was a bit dodgy! his uncle albert was on the menu! and to his horror he wasn`t being served with chips.....
Title: re: story time
Post by: Stromboli on Jun 04, 2005, 23:58
he was actually being served with a side salad!! Colin thought 'This is really strange, here i am, a weasel that wants to be a fruit bat, in a house of ill ke-re-bab-pute, which is  a human thing, and do you know what? i actually like it!'
He was there for forty five minutes waiting for his eel when Chesney Hwkes, ladies and gentlemen, CHESNEY HAWKES!! came on the radio, with 'I am the one and only'

It was then that Colin realised that he was actually a geordie aerobics instructor!! Shock Horror.
Title: re: story time
Post by: Bookworm on Jun 05, 2005, 00:51
Colin had been dreaming.
After blinking a few times, he found himself in front of a crowd of sweaty women in leotards.
"Come on push it ya idle bu**ers!... Ya can dee a few mer reps!" said Colin.
Title: re: story time
Post by: osbega ethelwulf on Jun 05, 2005, 14:33
trouble was..that dreaming about the Pink Palace had lasting implications; Colin started admiring the brightly coloured leotards in front of him...not because of the curvacious female forms inside them ....but because he wanted to wear one himself!!!!
Title: re: story time
Post by: llllllllllll llll lllllll on Jun 05, 2005, 19:37
This made him do a bit of soul searching into his future!...and so he decided to become a solicitor like all successful weasels before him ` with the added advantage of being able to employ himself in prosecuting people for slander who dared to call him a poofter because of his choice of tutu?
Title: Re: re: story time
Post by: You on Jun 06, 2005, 23:52
Quote from: Simian
This made him do a bit of soul searching into his future!...and so he decided to become a solicitor like all successful weasels before him ` with the added advantage of being able to employ himself in prosecuting people for slander who dared to call him a poofter because of his choice of tutu?


But Colin wasn't looking to wear pin striped tutus like his barrister chums.  Colin was content with being a "solicitor for the people" and his first case was...
Title: re: story time
Post by: Pink Orchid on Jun 07, 2005, 08:41
The People versus Chesney Hawkes, a case against the unadulterated manipulation of the formation of musical taste in pubescent young girls.  His peers thought him insane to....
Title: re: story time
Post by: Chris on Jun 07, 2005, 09:06
... even consider being involved with the case. The courtroom was packed and everybody was aghast when the judge suddenly...
Title: re: story time
Post by: alexander on Jun 07, 2005, 09:33
Got up from behind his desk, lifted up his frog with one hand while grabbing his rug with the other throwing it across the court room waving his arm wildly while shouting "Hit it !" followed by the loud speakers playing the most awful tune known to man and the Judge, in a Barry White-ish tone, crooned off the top of his lungs the theme from...
Title: re: story time
Post by: Chompish on Jun 07, 2005, 11:19
....Button Moon, which resulted in a disgusted Barry White coming down from the heavens and hitting the judge with a rather long.....
Title: re: story time
Post by: Chris on Jun 07, 2005, 16:42
...saveloy, which was covered in...
Title: re: story time
Post by: alexander on Jun 07, 2005, 17:14
...Smelly Marmite past its sell-by date with bits of butter and burnt, old toast pieces in as well which made the Judge, now all sticky and hysterically screaming like a silly lass, urge for a shower and a luke-warm...
Title: re: story time
Post by: Bookworm on Jun 07, 2005, 23:20
... coffee enema. Which, on reflection, he thought was a bad idea.
After thoroughly aquainting himself with the local toilet facilities, the Judge decided that "Enough was enough!" and directed his energies to "Saving the world."
At the top of his agenda was...
Title: re: story time
Post by: Bug red rooster on Jun 08, 2005, 09:05
Capturing ferret bin laden who was hiding out in Hartlepool as a french monkey. The good folk of hartlepool would like..
Title: re: story time
Post by: Pink Orchid on Jun 08, 2005, 09:13
Bulk buying rope like there was no tomorrow!  Although copies of...
Title: re: story time
Post by: Chompish on Jun 08, 2005, 11:14
Farmyard Frolics were in strong supply in that part of the country, something to do with people starting to worship monkeys and........
Title: re: story time
Post by: Bug red rooster on Jun 08, 2005, 12:56
cottage cheese that would attract swarms of rabid mice that would invade blackhall with...
Title: re: story time
Post by: You on Jun 08, 2005, 13:00
itchy red fleas hopping from guest to guest while they nibbled on crumbs from the Pizza shop.

It was at this point that Colin looked up to the sky and saw..
Title: re: story time
Post by: Pink Orchid on Jun 08, 2005, 13:28
A 1930's bi-plane, slowly and noisily rattling across the evening sky, 2 wing walkers adorning its outstretched wires.  The banner that flew behind it glaringly obvious for all to see for many miles read....
Title: re: story time
Post by: osbega ethelwulf on Jun 08, 2005, 13:39
..."Vote for Deidre, your caring candidate"...not only had Colin slipped back several years in time,but was also knee deep in popular Mancurian soapworld, probably as a result of.......
Title: re: story time
Post by: Chompish on Jun 08, 2005, 14:35
ITV and the way it makes Monday nights a bore by saturating its main channel with pointless drivel such as Emmerdale and Coronation Street double episodes. If I could do anything to stop this farcical nonsense I would.....
Title: re: story time
Post by: Bug red rooster on Jun 08, 2005, 19:28
bring back dixon of dock greenin TECHNICOLOR !!!  Then  shop keeper appeared and said......
Title: re: story time
Post by: osbega ethelwulf on Jun 08, 2005, 20:53
...Evening Colin; here's that barrowload of mackerel and banjos you requested. By the way - how did the operation on your......
Title: re: story time
Post by: llllllllllll llll lllllll on Jun 08, 2005, 21:53
sphincter go` which was blocked up with mackerel and banjos....
Title: re: story time
Post by: Bug red rooster on Jun 08, 2005, 22:27
"Who ordered the steak?"  the waiter shouted. being from seaton carew he was quite short sighted and not very bright  he didnt notice the banjo playing bum in the corner. Suddenly a..........
Title: re: story time
Post by: osbega ethelwulf on Jun 09, 2005, 08:59
...very small tailor appeared sporting an extremely well-cut suit, opened his jacket and said "how's that for a lining". Oddly enough his....
Title: re: story time
Post by: Chompish on Jun 09, 2005, 10:15
nipples were venting some sort of gas that was yellow in colour and had a very putrid smell. Colin realised that he would have to save the day using his mighty....
Title: re: story time
Post by: Bug red rooster on Jun 09, 2005, 18:45
nostrils to suck the dirty air out. meanwhile colin transformed into a.......
Title: re: story time
Post by: osbega ethelwulf on Jun 09, 2005, 21:10
drag queen wearing a t-shirt sporting the legend "Ken Dodd's Dad's dog's dead". Local Diddy fans took umbrage at that and clutching their......
Title: re: story time
Post by: CW on Jun 09, 2005, 22:50
tax returns they retired to............
Title: Re: re: story time
Post by: artboy22 on Jun 10, 2005, 12:44
Quote from: cat woman
tax returns they retired to............
mustique-but once their need to eek was sated off they  flew in the notorious fieseler storch back to recue mussolini when out of nowhere appeared a......
Title: re: story time
Post by: Bug red rooster on Jun 10, 2005, 13:23
A robot Hitler sporting a lazer tash. He aimed it at camerons brewery and let rip. Only the arse of....
Title: re: story time
Post by: osbega ethelwulf on Jun 10, 2005, 13:27
...the ceremonial monkey survived and as it gushed forth gallons of Strongarm out of it's ringpiece , passers-by clutched their throats and exclaimed.."Eeeeh, it's"............
Title: re: story time
Post by: Chompish on Jun 10, 2005, 16:34
the first letter after d and the one before f, of course this puzzled all of the folk from that area and they had to enlist the help of....
Title: re: story time
Post by: Bookworm on Jun 10, 2005, 17:32
A van load of lo-salt beans which, when consumed, caused...
Title: re: story time
Post by: Bug red rooster on Jun 10, 2005, 18:18
post apocoliptic spelling defects thorugh owt the land. Just then the large unnatractive ..........
Title: re: story time
Post by: You on Jun 10, 2005, 19:47
village idiot lumbered into the scene proclaiming that his breath could curdle gloss paint and at that very moment...
Title: re: story time
Post by: Bug red rooster on Jun 10, 2005, 23:24
jim bowen popped out
and said .......
Title: re: story time
Post by: You on Jun 11, 2005, 03:36
"now then, now then, now then, we'll no more of that from the likes of you thank you very much".  Upon hearing this Colin..
Title: re: story time
Post by: Bug red rooster on Jun 11, 2005, 10:02
threw a dart "iiiin one a lovely toaster"
he was so pleased that he....
Title: Re: re: story time
Post by: artboy22 on Jun 11, 2005, 22:40
Quote from: Bug red rooster
threw a dart "iiiin one a lovely toaster"
he was so pleased that he....

he he he was all one big laugh from him as he opened a large......
Title: re: story time
Post by: Bookworm on Jun 12, 2005, 01:58
packet of beef jerky, which smelled of boiled cauliflower. He was a bit upset about this so decided to...
Title: re: story time
Post by: SAFC1BeerMonster on Jun 12, 2005, 02:04
...pull out his shotgun and blow Jim's head off shouting "How's about that for a bullseye, eh Jim?"  But just as he was shouting Colin realised....
Title: re: story time
Post by: Bookworm on Jun 12, 2005, 02:10
that the room was full of police persons who were on a training trip. His bottom still didn't feel very secure after the coffee enema so he...
Title: re: story time
Post by: You on Jun 12, 2005, 05:19
emptied the contents into his trousers and did the Riverdance round the room.  "Mind you don't slip" said the Police Sergeant as Colin went full throttle towards the banjo playing bum in the corner.  It was too late Colin had already...
Title: re: story time
Post by: Bug red rooster on Jun 12, 2005, 09:29
Began to tilt on the silty muck. Up went his legs and he landed on a big pile on trunchons. "Ow !! my bloody.........
Title: re: story time
Post by: Chompish on Jun 13, 2005, 11:47
chocolate covered peanuts! Colin had been saving them for ages and realised that they were now falling out of his pockets at an alarming rate. Colin tried to pick them up while shouting......
Title: re: story time
Post by: alexander on Jun 13, 2005, 12:02
... "Vive le France ! Vive le France !!" before turning into a giant, yellow...
Title: re: story time
Post by: Bug red rooster on Jun 13, 2005, 12:26
sunflower "flobble obble " said colin.....
Title: Re: re: story time
Post by: artboy22 on Jun 13, 2005, 12:35
Quote from: alexander
... "Vive le France ! Vive le France !!" before turning into a giant, yellow...
submarine that had an obviously  bad case of hepatitis requiring a dose of...............
Title: re: story time
Post by: osbega ethelwulf on Jun 13, 2005, 14:54
Val Doonican records, which soon had him in fine fettle again and wearing a splendid hand-knitted cardigan. In fact, Colin suddenly felt so good about himself and the world that he......
Title: re: story time
Post by: Bug red rooster on Jun 13, 2005, 18:32
danced a fine dance, that would make even john wynstanley the evil leprechaun smile with glee until....
Title: re: story time
Post by: CW on Jun 13, 2005, 19:21
he saw out of the corner of his eye, another weasel, dressed in a purple tiara and acting suspiciously like they ........
Title: Re: re: story time
Post by: artboy22 on Jun 13, 2005, 19:21
Quote from: Bug red rooster
danced a fine dance, that would make even john wynstanley the evil leprechaun smile with glee until.... it miraculously caused him to learn how to spell --but then the wicked witch of the north said.....
Title: re: story time
Post by: Bug red rooster on Jun 13, 2005, 19:35
let there be light and beholda large angel like monument started to push out of the ground. "oh my god" said....
Title: Re: re: story time
Post by: artboy22 on Jun 13, 2005, 19:42
Quote from: Bug red rooster
let there be light and beholda large angel like monument started to push out of the ground. "oh my god" said....
the owner of"angel-like monuments ' R 'us"--this is threatens my monopoly--i better call out ........
Title: re: story time
Post by: You on Jun 14, 2005, 08:57
the life brigade to oil my loins with WD-40 and help me get out of this meaningless rut.  Who would come to his rescue?  Did anyone care?

The other weasel looked at Colin and said...
Title: re: story time
Post by: alexander on Jun 14, 2005, 09:05
... "I know who can help us !" before taking out a small box containing the first ever Blue Peter badge. "My Precious...", the second weasel whispered while giving his beloved badge a gentle rub sending a clear signal to the Willow Trees and within minutes up popped Toad in his speed wagon wearing a flashy scarf blowing in the wind while calling in their direction...
Title: re: story time
Post by: Chompish on Jun 14, 2005, 12:00
"I wouldn't go in there for at least 40-45 minutes and by the way has anybody got a Glade plug in handy?" They looked at the toad as if he was from..........
Title: Re: re: story time
Post by: artboy22 on Jun 14, 2005, 12:49
Quote from: Chompish
"I wouldn't go in there for at least 40-45 minutes and by the way has anybody got a Glade plug in handy?" They looked at the toad as if he was from..........
flatulanceville --but luckily george bush decided to invade ...
Title: re: story time
Post by: Bug red rooster on Jun 14, 2005, 18:35
peterlee with the prime objective of...
Title: re: story time
Post by: Bookworm on Jun 14, 2005, 18:53
demolishing that blinking great lump of concrete that's supposed to be "public art" but actually looks like an unfinished block of flats in a pond.
Several, hyper lethal, long-range bombers are poised and ready to...
Title: Re: re: story time
Post by: artboy22 on Jun 14, 2005, 23:53
Quote from: Mr. Crun
demolishing that blinking great lump of concrete that's supposed to be "public art" but actually looks like an unfinished block of flats in a pond.
Several, hyper lethal, long-range bombers are poised and ready to...
go back and blast the pentagon in an unusual act of REAL retribution from god--revealing to us all that.....
Title: re: story time
Post by: Bookworm on Jun 14, 2005, 23:59
He doesn't like pentagons or triangles or any other shapes with an odd number of sides.
On a lighter note...
Title: Re: re: story time
Post by: artboy22 on Jun 15, 2005, 00:29
Quote from: Mr. Crun
He doesn't like pentagons or triangles or any other shapes with an odd number of sides.
On a lighter note...
he refilled his colibri--noticing a fiver seemingly defying gravity before.....
Title: re: story time
Post by: Bookworm on Jun 15, 2005, 00:51
it was suddenly noticed by gravity and plunged groundwards and hit a Scotsman, on the back of his head, as he bent down to pick it up.
"Jings!", said the Scott. "A beer voucher from heaven! What de ye suppose a should dee wi it?...
Title: re: story time
Post by: You on Jun 15, 2005, 06:14
He walked into the nearest supermarket and purchased two bottles of Buckfast which were on special offer.  The jingle in his head said "Brewed by Monks and consumed by drunks".  Had he really fallen so low?  He retreated to the park to find a nice park bench and collected his thoughts.

Meanwhile Colin..
Title: Re: re: story time
Post by: artboy22 on Jun 15, 2005, 09:07
Quote from: Angus Young
He walked into the nearest supermarket and purchased two bottles of Buckfast which were on special offer.  The jingle in his head said "Brewed by Monks and consumed by drunks".  Had he really fallen so low?  He retreated to the park to find a nice park bench and collected his thoughts.

Meanwhile Colin..
powell ralised that being the most violent jamaican ever wasnt all it was crackkkkked up to be and so ran away to ....
Title: re: story time
Post by: You on Jun 16, 2005, 12:00
have himself dipped in Michael Jacksons tank of skin bleach.  He also cancelled his subscription to "Yardies Weekly" and took up knitting with his granny.

He didn't want to relinquish his...
Title: Re: re: story time
Post by: artboy22 on Jun 16, 2005, 14:16
Quote from: Angus Young
have himself dipped in Michael Jacksons tank of skin bleach.  He also cancelled his subscription to "Yardies Weekly" and took up knitting with his granny.

He didn't want to relinquish his...
granada to the scrapyard and thus....
Title: re: story time
Post by: Chompish on Jun 17, 2005, 12:16
added some bonny wheels, a big fat exhaust and a 'TURBONATOR'. Once it was complete he stepped back, had a look, and said 'My god, it looks just like a........
Title: Re: re: story time
Post by: artboy22 on Jun 17, 2005, 15:42
Quote from: Chompish
added some bonny wheels, a big fat exhaust and a 'TURBONATOR'. Once it was complete he stepped back, had a look, and said 'My god, it looks just like a........
summat a BIG DUMB CHOR would drive down to....
Title: re: story time
Post by: Bookworm on Jun 20, 2005, 00:58
Bishop Auckland market place to cruse around looking for...
Title: Re: re: story time
Post by: artboy22 on Jun 20, 2005, 10:09
Quote from: Mr. Crun
Bishop Auckland market place to cruse around looking for...
the exit and so find his dream-chors with tits...so soon he could .......
Title: Re: re: story time
Post by: You on Jun 29, 2005, 06:23
Quote from: artboy22
the exit and so find his dream-chors with


out being bored stupid.

However, somewhere downtown the plot was thickening for Colin.  He was being stalked by...
Title: re: story time
Post by: Chompish on Jun 29, 2005, 11:10
Elton John and David Furnish the pie eating pair from Peckham who were indulging in their new found love for Vale Of Mowbray pork pies when suddenly Elton dropped a crumb, was horrified and bent over to pick it up, that is when David suddenly.......
Title: re: story time
Post by: alexander on Jun 29, 2005, 12:02
...rolled up yesterday's newspaper only for sir Elton to shout : "No ! No ! No !! I Won't let the Sun go down on me !"

In the meantime Colin managed to escape to...
Title: Re: re: story time
Post by: artboy22 on Jun 29, 2005, 20:32
Quote from: alexander
...rolled up yesterday's newspaper only for sir Elton to shout : "No ! No ! No !! I Won't let the Sun go down on me !"

In the meantime Colin managed to escape to...
alcatraz thinking he was free to.....
Title: re: story time
Post by: You on Jun 29, 2005, 20:42
build a huge flying glider from the cardboard outta empty toilet rolls.  But although he spent most of his time sitting on the bog and planning his escape while glueing bits of roll together, liitle did he realize that it was actually 2005 and the war had ended 60 years ago.

At this point he...
Title: Re: re: story time
Post by: artboy22 on Jun 29, 2005, 21:42
Quote from: Angus Young
build a huge flying glider from the cardboard outta empty toilet rolls.  But although he spent most of his time sitting on the bog and planning his escape while glueing bits of roll together, liitle did he realize that it was actually 2005 and the war had ended 60 years ago.

At this point he...
stopped smoking such large amounts of skunk & realised that........
Title: re: story time
Post by: You on Jun 30, 2005, 05:28
the band "Coldplay" were actually quite good in an unusually depressing sort of way.  However this didn't stop him from..
Title: re: story time
Post by: Chompish on Jun 30, 2005, 11:33
using his Coldplay cd's as the instrument panel in his pointless glider which he continued to build even though he was receiving a barrage of abuse from......
Title: re: story time
Post by: You on Jun 30, 2005, 12:23
the Nazi youth who were still wearing their short trousers and uniforms from 60 years ago.

This didn't stop Colin as he was a tenacious little...
Title: Re: re: story time
Post by: artboy22 on Jun 30, 2005, 12:33
Quote from: Angus Young
the Nazi youth who were still wearing their short trousers and uniforms from 60 years ago.

This didn't stop Colin as he was a tenacious little...
boy scout who using his trusty penknife,soon thwarted the dastardly huns and their grandiose plans for world domination were soon nothing more than....
Title: Re: re: story time
Post by: You on Jun 30, 2005, 12:39
Quote from: artboy22
boy scout who using his trusty penknife,soon thwarted the dastardly huns and their grandiose plans for world domination were soon nothing more than....


little old codgers who smelt like wee-wee and ate too much salami.

Just at that moment there was a much needed pause in the storyline while the multiple authors went to the pub to discuss things.  It was decided that whoever wrote the next line was probably a genius and therefore should receive 10 norks from every other member.
Title: re: story time
Post by: You on Aug 15, 2005, 12:55
So we waited and waited but nobody came.  :cry:
Title: re: story time
Post by: Chompish on Aug 15, 2005, 13:16
Could that be the end of Colin?
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Aug 31, 2005, 22:03
will the 722 bus arrive on time?
Title: re: story time
Post by: Chompish on Sep 01, 2005, 11:18
not before the 723
Title: re: story time
Post by: Chris on Sep 01, 2005, 14:15
ends up in Aberdeen
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 01, 2005, 15:35
where the streets were deserted...it was a flag day
Title: re: story time
Post by: Bookworm on Sep 01, 2005, 20:34
This didn't deter our stalwart Hero.
He stood on his hind legs, shook himself vigorously and proudly declared, "It's Friday night and I'll be damned if I don't have a good time."
He picked up his air guitar and headed for the local "Rock Bar".
After a good wander, some chips and a bit of misdirection by the locals, he found himself at...
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 01, 2005, 23:03
the bush in Chilton
Title: re: story time
Post by: Bookworm on Sep 02, 2005, 01:06
"Blimey!" He thought. " I must have put too much vinegar on my chips!"
Still undetered our furry hero continued on his quest for "a good night out".
He carefully opened the door and was immediately confronted by...
Title: re: story time
Post by: cat_lady on Sep 02, 2005, 07:36
cat_lady. "where have you been?" she asked with a slow smile on her face as she....
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 02, 2005, 09:10
took him firmly by his wrists
Title: re: story time
Post by: Chompish on Sep 02, 2005, 12:27
and led him to the finely positioned cat litter tray where she showed him some recently deposited.....
Title: re: story time
Post by: You on Sep 02, 2005, 12:40
buttered toast, which had landed butter side up.

Colin gasped in sheer amazement as he had heard from Mr Crun that this was indeed a rare spectacle.

He reached down and...
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 02, 2005, 13:31
picked up the toast....
Title: re: story time
Post by: Bookworm on Sep 02, 2005, 19:07
To his astonishment, Colin found that the toast had been buttered on both sides and had some cat fur stuck to it! "Ah well!" thought Colin, and promptly scoffed the lot.
Afterwards he felt a bit...
Title: re: story time
Post by: cat_lady on Sep 02, 2005, 19:24
sleepy, "what have you done cat_lady?" he asked as he drifted off and saw her laughing."That will teach you for......
Title: re: story time
Post by: Bookworm on Sep 02, 2005, 23:42
...not getting to bed at a reasonable hour".
Colin drifted into a deep and blissfull sleep where he dreamed of...
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 03, 2005, 09:02
cats  :roll:
Title: re: story time
Post by: Chompish on Sep 03, 2005, 11:35
the musical, which he recalled that he had been to see 91 times previously. He thought this would be an ideal opportunity to ask Cat Lady if she would like to accompany him to....
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 03, 2005, 17:05
the Saturday matinee.....because it was cheaper to get in and he didnt want to spend too much money on her.....
Title: re: story time
Post by: Bookworm on Sep 04, 2005, 01:06
... rather expensive Internet gambling habit and cat-nip addiction.
Colin felt lost and desperate so he...
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 04, 2005, 07:00
went into the pub for....
Title: re: story time
Post by: cat_lady on Sep 04, 2005, 08:45
rum and coke when suddenly he had a revelation about.....
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 04, 2005, 08:51
eating cat food on toast...
Title: re: story time
Post by: Chompish on Sep 05, 2005, 11:45
topped with Sardines. It was just then that the ever hungry Angus Young pointed out to Colin that he had sampled the same thing back in the days when...

 :lol:
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 05, 2005, 11:56
....he was stranded on the moors...
Title: re: story time
Post by: cat_lady on Sep 05, 2005, 17:11
and he met the wise old.....
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 05, 2005, 17:30
tramp...who was sleeping under..
Title: re: story time
Post by: Chompish on Sep 06, 2005, 10:46
Barry Manilows left nostril, he found it quite comfortable until he had his sea salt and cracked black pepper crisps, resulting in a huge sneeze from Mr Manilow, which transported Colin to the far reaches of....
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 06, 2005, 11:19
the moor.....
Title: re: story time
Post by: Bookworm on Sep 06, 2005, 21:33
but he landed safely in a cosy pile of suprised sheep.
"By jove!" exclaimed Colin, to no-one in particular. "It must be my lucky day!"
In the near distance he spotted some buildings. "BRILLIANT!... The Lion Inn!!!! Just the place for a good pint of O.P. and to warm my backside near the fire."
With that thought in mind, Colin set off at a brisk pace and soon found himself eagerly clutching...
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 06, 2005, 21:49
A pint of beer and a Taylors pork pie whilst warming himself on the fire that ...
Title: re: story time
Post by: Bookworm on Sep 06, 2005, 22:54
... crackled and sputtered in the ancient hearth.
"This must be Heaven." thought Colin. "What more could a furry Super-Hero want?.. A good pint, a good pie and a warm arse... Ahh Bliss!"
All of a sudden, a postman, in company issue battle shorts, gave Colin a...
Title: re: story time
Post by: You on Sep 07, 2005, 06:14
party hat and told him to go outside and join in the WW2 re-enactment of the VE Day celebrations.
Unfortunately, Colin had been standing too close to the fire warming his arse when suddenly his hemorrhoids...
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 07, 2005, 10:29
dropped down and could be see at the bottom of his shorts... :roll:  :roll:  :roll:
Title: re: story time
Post by: Chompish on Sep 07, 2005, 11:17
....Oh my good god thought Colin, what will Cat Lady think of me now?  At that precise moment celebrity chef Gary Rhodes came running out from the kitchen brandishing a fairly rusty knife with which he proceeded to lunge forward and amputate Colins extended...
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 07, 2005, 11:42
hemorrhoids...unfortunatly, whilst in the process of doing this he....
Title: re: story time
Post by: cat_lady on Sep 07, 2005, 16:48
his hand slipped and he chopped of colins......
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 07, 2005, 17:38
pants    :lol:  :lol:  :lol:
Title: re: story time
Post by: Bookworm on Sep 08, 2005, 01:00
So... There he stood, with his pint and a pie and his nether regions exposed to a packed pub, in the middle of nowhere.
This was Colin's worst nightmare! What could he do?

He realised that he couldn't possibly attract any more attention to himself, so he calmly supped his beer and ate his pie and confidently strode out of the packed but silent pub, into the most withering, cold, wet weather he had ever encountered.
Colin lifted his little furry face towards the sky and screamed. "Bloody Great! What next?"
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 08, 2005, 08:00
Will there be a plague of locusts........will the sun shine.......will the 722 run early?????.....whatever next....
Title: re: story time
Post by: cat_lady on Sep 08, 2005, 09:47
as he shouts this a mysterious mist starts to flow around him and he watches a strange shape starts to emerge
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 08, 2005, 10:27
shaft of light came down through the clouds....
Title: re: story time
Post by: Chompish on Sep 08, 2005, 11:56
and it was David Icke surrounded by lizards. "Bloody Hell" Colin said, "I thought you were joking when you told the world about your theory, by the way, have you got a spare pair of shell suit bottoms?" David Icke replied......
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 08, 2005, 11:58
yes but I think that they will be a tad too.........
Title: re: story time
Post by: Bookworm on Sep 08, 2005, 21:29
... dangerous for you to wear. The nylon will react unfavourably with your furry body and generate huge electrical discharges, which may disrupt local air-traffic control systems! The folks at Fylingdales are a bit touchy about that sort of thing."
"Hhave ya ggot owt else I ccould wwear then mmate? cos I'm fffffreezing my 'nads off hhere!" shivered Colin.
"Here," said David, "try on this....
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 08, 2005, 21:32
...mohair dinner suit....
Title: re: story time
Post by: Bookworm on Sep 09, 2005, 00:56
Oooh that's smashin'," said Colin, "but there's not much room in the crotch and I fear the trousers may chaff a bit in this wet weather, due to my lack of undergarments. Have you got owt else I could blag?"
David scratched his bonce and a couple of lizzards looked a bit impatient.
"Ok!" said David, quite exasperated. "Here's my favourite pair of Robbie Williams, Tiger underpants. Take care of them because I want them back when you've...
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 09, 2005, 10:04
....managed to get to Asda and buy.....
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 09, 2005, 10:04
....managed to get to Asda and buy.....
Title: re: story time
Post by: cat_lady on Sep 09, 2005, 10:16
a pair of Y fronts that he loved so much because.....
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 09, 2005, 10:39
......he thought that they made him look so....
Title: re: story time
Post by: Chompish on Sep 09, 2005, 11:51
1950's. This just happened to be Colins favourite era, the days when he would spend all of his pocket money on visiting the picture house to watch films such as...
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 09, 2005, 12:40
The Pit and the Pendalum and.....
Title: re: story time
Post by: Bookworm on Sep 12, 2005, 22:43
Flash Gordon, who he thought was a bit...
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 12, 2005, 23:01
flash !!!!!!
Title: re: story time
Post by: Chompish on Sep 13, 2005, 12:06
a-ah, saviour of the universe, Flash, a-ah, he'll save everyone of us......
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 13, 2005, 12:14
more mere mortals......slayer of dragons and deflowerer of.......
Title: re: story time
Post by: Bookworm on Sep 13, 2005, 20:03
... expensive rose gardens which were carefully tended by...
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 13, 2005, 20:41
...an army of gay....
Title: re: story time
Post by: Bookworm on Sep 13, 2005, 20:51
...psychotherapists from Bowburn, who also had a keen interest in...
Title: Re: re: story time
Post by: Lancelot on Sep 13, 2005, 22:00
Quote from: Mr. Crun
...psychotherapists from Bowburn, who also had a keen interest in...


The exploration of .....
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 13, 2005, 22:37
Middlestone Moor
Title: re: story time
Post by: Bookworm on Sep 14, 2005, 21:58
and some of the outlying areas of Binchester and Byers Green. They were particularly interested in some small pockets of those communities who still insist on continuing to use flint axes and regularly dunk witches.
Deforestation, trench foot and scabies have been identified as major social issues in these areas so Colin took it upon himself to do something about it.
First of all he...
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 14, 2005, 22:59
....emptied all the ponds in the area which were used to dunk....
Title: re: story time
Post by: CW on Sep 15, 2005, 07:48
Rich tea biscuits in, because these ponds were.........
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 15, 2005, 09:52
..filled with contaminated......
Title: re: story time
Post by: Bookworm on Sep 15, 2005, 22:23
...chocolate milk and shopping trollies.
Undaunted by the massive task ahead of him, Colin also started to...
Title: re: story time
Post by: The Raelian David on Sep 15, 2005, 22:52
make daisy chains from.....
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 16, 2005, 00:54
redundant daffodill stalks....
Title: re: story time
Post by: Bookworm on Sep 16, 2005, 01:35
...and discarded mop heads.
Although Colin was kept busy, he didn't feel as though he was achieving anything so he...
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 16, 2005, 02:19
went back to the pub for...
Title: re: story time
Post by: Legend on Sep 16, 2005, 07:17
.... a pint of Old Scrotum, the country's tastiest and chewiest ale.....
Title: re: story time
Post by: Chompish on Sep 16, 2005, 11:57
which he downed in one, much to the joy of all of his pub friends. He then decided to order another pint accompanied by some pork scratchings and downed this in one also. When he came back from the bar with his next pint, he found that his pork scratchings had been stolen. He looked at the nearest man and said........
Title: re: story time
Post by: You on Sep 16, 2005, 12:39
Oi didn't you used to be my dad?

To which the man said...
Title: re: story time
Post by: CW on Sep 16, 2005, 12:51
I don't know what is your mams name  :wink: does she come from Shildon ?
Title: re: story time
Post by: Chompish on Sep 16, 2005, 13:25
"It's hard to tell" Colin said. "She used to travel a lot when she was younger, something to do with the circus I think. She used to say she met my dad on a street corner but never said where".  
"aye, it could be me" said the man. This struck Colin dumb......
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 16, 2005, 14:16
.....eventually flinging his arms round the suprised mans neck and between tearfull sobs saying...
Title: re: story time
Post by: CW on Sep 16, 2005, 15:44
Gis a tenner, I need to pay my ............
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 16, 2005, 16:24
lottery numbers, I might win on Saterday and if I do ......
Title: re: story time
Post by: cat_lady on Sep 16, 2005, 18:57
i'll purchase a circus just for my mam and then i'll buy all the.....
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 16, 2005, 19:20
clowns a drink and get them .....
Title: re: story time
Post by: Bookworm on Sep 16, 2005, 20:02
... to do streaming Internet cookery shows. Nigela Lawson has a lot to answer for because...
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 16, 2005, 20:05
she started the ball rolling.....Aynsley, Fanny & Johhny Craddock..the list is endless......
Title: re: story time
Post by: CW on Sep 16, 2005, 21:12
But Alas the dawn of the Microwave means we must all..............
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 16, 2005, 23:06
eat soggie bacon butties and...
Title: re: story time
Post by: You on Sep 17, 2005, 00:21
just then the thought of Nigela Lawson covered in flour and cooking oil made Colin go all soggy at the knees.

Ahhhhhhhh.  Nigella is lovely he thought to himself.  Little did he realize that approx 50 people were reading his thoughts via the NE Forum.  He had been scuppered.

Bl**dy Hell thought Colin, I'm gioing to have to..
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 17, 2005, 03:13
be very carefull what I think in the future.....is nothing private theses days?...not even...
Title: re: story time
Post by: CW on Sep 17, 2005, 23:04
a private fantasy of me and Nigela partaking of...........
Title: re: story time
Post by: Bookworm on Sep 17, 2005, 23:16
... high cholesterol foods, with wanton abandon!
Colin girded up his loins and tried desperately to control his fantasies about Nigella and Phillipa Forester and Felicity Kendal... and... parsnips but...
Title: re: story time
Post by: CW on Sep 17, 2005, 23:27
was overwhelmed with a fountain of pasion, after reading to many Mills and Boon, which resulted in.............
Title: re: story time
Post by: Bookworm on Sep 17, 2005, 23:30
some rather nasty paper-cuts.
In a pit of despair, Colin decided to...
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 18, 2005, 02:48
go to the library to see if there is.....
Title: re: story time
Post by: CW on Sep 18, 2005, 08:20
a section on............
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 18, 2005, 12:13
.....tantric cooking...
Title: re: story time
Post by: CW on Sep 21, 2005, 16:26
and was surprised to find ...........
Title: re: story time
Post by: Bookworm on Sep 21, 2005, 17:45
a very tall Viking typing naughty stories on the library computer?
Colin started reading over the Norseman's shoulder..."Blimey!" exclaimed Colin. "Is that physically possible?"
The huge Dane turned around and said "...
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 21, 2005, 21:39
No.....I do not support Newcastle United......
Title: re: story time
Post by: CW on Sep 21, 2005, 22:18
nor the borough, I am a Mackem through and through, cut me and i ............
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 21, 2005, 22:58
have SUNDERLAND printed all the ....
Title: re: story time
Post by: Bookworm on Sep 22, 2005, 00:06
...way through the gusset of my undertrousers.
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 22, 2005, 08:39
yuck !!!!!!! :shock:
Title: re: story time
Post by: CW on Sep 22, 2005, 10:08
said a passing Boro fan, we prefer ours ................
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 23, 2005, 00:05
printed on the outsides only with...
Title: re: story time
Post by: CW on Sep 23, 2005, 09:23
a wry smile he then ...............
Title: re: story time
Post by: llllllllllll llll lllllll on Sep 23, 2005, 10:24
said all sfc fans must carry a dehydrated dog turd around with them for identification purposes.........
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 23, 2005, 17:42
contained in a transparent plastic....
Title: re: story time
Post by: llllllllllll llll lllllll on Sep 23, 2005, 18:44
Colostomy bag to verify their social status
Title: re: story time
Post by: Nath on Sep 23, 2005, 18:57
then there was a great big band and a lot of smoke..
Title: re: story time
Post by: llllllllllll llll lllllll on Sep 23, 2005, 19:11
and the sfc chairman realised it was a bad idea to use a rubber band for a fan belt in his massey ferguson tractor which he used to supply the fans with ID`s
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 24, 2005, 00:14
so he asked if any transvestites present had a....
Title: re: story time
Post by: llllllllllll llll lllllll on Sep 24, 2005, 08:38
spare TOOL to fix it
Title: re: story time
Post by: CW on Sep 24, 2005, 09:46
from a distance there was a gasp, and who stepped forward but .........
Title: re: story time
Post by: Nath on Sep 24, 2005, 09:51
all of a sudden a big ..
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 24, 2005, 10:50
bearded man dressed in a pink thong and.....
Title: re: story time
Post by: Chompish on Sep 24, 2005, 11:31
a sock stuffed boob tube said 'Bloody Hell, that there reminds me of the good old days when I used to.....
Title: re: story time
Post by: CW on Sep 24, 2005, 12:00
used to be a Tiller girl at the London Palladium, that was before .........
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 24, 2005, 17:44
it was on the tele on a Sunday night....
Title: re: story time
Post by: Nath on Sep 25, 2005, 00:00
but on one Sunday ...
Title: re: story time
Post by: cat_lady on Sep 25, 2005, 08:03
he decided to forget all that and go in search of the long lost
Title: re: story time
Post by: CW on Sep 25, 2005, 09:13
Pinky Winky Bird, it was so rare it could only be found.............
Title: re: story time
Post by: llllllllllll llll lllllll on Sep 25, 2005, 10:15
Remote parts of the amazon rainforest so he decided to search for the more common mountain splashfart instead (lays 3 square eggs and a cockeyed youngun) so he set off towards...
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 25, 2005, 12:00
the layby just up from Rushyford roundabout,where....
Title: re: story time
Post by: cat_lady on Sep 25, 2005, 13:14
he knew they were hiding,he had his traps and was almost there when
Title: re: story time
Post by: llllllllllll llll lllllll on Sep 25, 2005, 14:11
He was captured by insurgents from chilton whom demanded....
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 25, 2005, 14:23
that they all go to The Bush...
Title: re: story time
Post by: CW on Sep 25, 2005, 15:39
and recuperate while they planned their next ..............
Title: re: story time
Post by: llllllllllll llll lllllll on Sep 25, 2005, 16:24
kidnapping! but this time it was to be someone more important than the odd garden gnome or bird watcher in a pink tutu` so they decided the perfect target would be.....
Title: re: story time
Post by: CW on Sep 25, 2005, 17:01
Ghost! They would grab him, zip tie him to a tree and declare that unless...............
Title: re: story time
Post by: llllllllllll llll lllllll on Sep 25, 2005, 17:08
he removed his photograph from the site! they would have no choice but pull his string Yfronts over his head and then.....
Title: re: story time
Post by: CW on Sep 25, 2005, 17:23
he would be forever known as wedgy, until he redeemed himself by..........
Title: re: story time
Post by: cat_lady on Sep 25, 2005, 17:49
drinking 10 pints of beer and then a kebab,no problem he thought to himself i will just
Title: re: story time
Post by: llllllllllll llll lllllll on Sep 25, 2005, 17:49
insist the photograph was there at the request of the samaritans so they could refer otherwise hopeless cases to view it in order for them to feel better about themselves.....
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 25, 2005, 22:30
but noone believed the storey so he...
Title: re: story time
Post by: CW on Sep 25, 2005, 22:53
took the long and winding road that leads to fame and fortune, where at he auditioned for the X factor, Simon Cowell said "never before have i see such .............
Title: re: story time
Post by: llllllllllll llll lllllll on Sep 25, 2005, 23:19
complete and utter talent such as yours` that it is way to good for us so we reckon you should go and audition for something more up market! to which he...
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 26, 2005, 10:35
then applied for Stricktly Come Dancing....
Title: re: story time
Post by: cat_lady on Sep 26, 2005, 10:49
he looked very fetching in the glittering dress and make-up,so much so that
Title: re: story time
Post by: Chompish on Sep 26, 2005, 11:46
Bruce Forsyth became instantly attracted to him, and whisked him off to his nearby penthouse. The next morning they woke up and Bruce said "nice to see you to see you nice". Colin was horrified and immediately replied...
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 26, 2005, 12:02
....'what the hell am I doing here'?   'How did I get here and how can I.'....
Title: re: story time
Post by: CW on Sep 26, 2005, 12:12
possible win come dancing now, unless of course i decide to emigrate to Australia and become a cricket player then.............
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 26, 2005, 12:14
....I could do a great dance when celebrating loosing the Ashes...... :oops:
Title: re: story time
Post by: Chompish on Sep 26, 2005, 13:29
and Bruce would never find me. One downside though, I have heard Shane Warne likes a bit of skirt and I wouldn't be able to do my stuff in front of him but...
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 26, 2005, 19:46
if we give him some dark glasses...
Title: re: story time
Post by: Bookworm on Sep 26, 2005, 23:15
...or possibly a welding mask. He might give me a...
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 27, 2005, 09:13
n impression of a member of the Royal....
Title: re: story time
Post by: Chompish on Sep 27, 2005, 12:14
..scottish shipbuilding brigade. Apparently he was very good at this and Colin especially found it hilarious. After laughing for several minutes Colin realised he had split his...
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 27, 2005, 13:33
bright red thong......
Title: re: story time
Post by: CW on Sep 27, 2005, 14:03
and he was now feeling a little embarrassed , so he flagged down a passing donkey and cart and asked the driver if he would be so kind as to...........
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 27, 2005, 19:37
drop him off at the.....
Title: re: story time
Post by: llllllllllll llll lllllll on Sep 27, 2005, 20:44
bush coz there was something happening there tonight and he....
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 27, 2005, 22:18
a man standing there with
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 27, 2005, 22:20
he saw a man with a....
Title: re: story time
Post by: llllllllllll llll lllllll on Sep 27, 2005, 22:43
pet radioactive hamster with a mild case of irish rabies` and so he...
Title: re: story time
Post by: Bookworm on Sep 27, 2005, 22:59
Approached with a degree of caution, tipped his cap and said,"Top of the mornin' to ya Sir! Could you please point me towards the nearest taxidermist? I need to stuff this..."
Title: re: story time
Post by: llllllllllll llll lllllll on Sep 27, 2005, 23:03
The man seemed suprised at the request and said "a cab driver with a skin problem needs stuffing? are you taking the piss outa me or what?" so he pulled out a flick axe from his back pocket and....
Title: re: story time
Post by: CW on Sep 27, 2005, 23:11
realised this couldnt really be happening to him as he had just smoked a bad joint and so was tripping towards..............
Title: re: story time
Post by: llllllllllll llll lllllll on Sep 27, 2005, 23:14
the prospect of reality which was a scary vision that he would rather refer to the bottom of a glass` so he...
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 27, 2005, 23:25
went back into the pub where he....
Title: re: story time
Post by: Bookworm on Sep 28, 2005, 00:56
ordered a bucket of Sam Smiths and a handfull of Asprins.
He knew he was going to regret this, in the morning, if he woke up but... Soddit! He was on a bender.
End it or mend it. :twisted:
Later that day, Colin woke up with a tulip growing out of his ear.
"Bloody 'ell!", said Colin. "I knew my lugs were mucky but my Mum said I could grow spuds in there, not blinkin' Tulips!"

Colin calmed himself and thought for a minute... "Perhaps I should have had some Guinness and Neurofen?"
"Or maybe Tizer and Cracknel?"...



Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 28, 2005, 07:43
....when he looked closer...he found it wasnt a tulip at all...it was a leek...he must have fallen asleep in the annual......
Title: re: story time
Post by: CW on Sep 28, 2005, 08:26
welsh festiva,l held at old shildon club every year, this was his chance to .........
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 28, 2005, 10:01
express himself in the mother tongue, he said '.........
Title: re: story time
Post by: CW on Sep 28, 2005, 10:44
Nadolig Llawen....................
Title: re: story time
Post by: llllllllllll llll lllllll on Sep 28, 2005, 18:00
gogog goch! to which a man said "any country that speaks a language like that should not be exempt from the gas chambers" so he....
Title: re: story time
Post by: CW on Sep 28, 2005, 18:59
said and a merry Christmas to you too, take this ......................
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 28, 2005, 19:00
telephoned Anne Robinson, who is somewhat of an expert on Welsh matters it is believed, and asked her....
Title: re: story time
Post by: CW on Sep 28, 2005, 19:06
who was the weakest link, he needed to know before he...............
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 29, 2005, 07:50
resumed his quest for....
Title: re: story time
Post by: Chompish on Sep 29, 2005, 12:13
the holy welsh sheep. He figured that if Anne Robinson didn't know, nobody would. Immediately, he went in pursuit of the age defying ginger one. When he found her he said...
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 29, 2005, 16:48
to tell him the way to.....
Title: re: story time
Post by: CW on Sep 29, 2005, 16:53
Amarillo, as sweet Marie was waiting there ...............

 :lol:  :lol:
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 29, 2005, 17:40
him to arrive in his...
Title: re: story time
Post by: llllllllllll llll lllllll on Sep 29, 2005, 17:52
golden wellies in his quest for the golden fleece....
Title: re: story time
Post by: Bookworm on Sep 29, 2005, 22:39
Due to the recent popularity of Tony's song, Colin found that his Gold Card was about to be fleeced when he booked himself into the Amarillo Hilton Plaza Motel.
"$300 for unlimited use of the naughty cable channels and vibrating bed??!!!! I'm not paying that! I expect to be happily married, one day!" exclaimed Colin. "How much is it for the basic, single room, with a window facing the car-park?"
The Turk, behind the reception desk, scratched his psoriasis...
Title: re: story time
Post by: llllllllllll llll lllllll on Sep 29, 2005, 22:48
infested forehead in wonderment at the never ending packet of pickled onion crisps he held under his nose` and tried to figure out why they no longer tasted like pickled onion any more! would you like one? he said to colin....
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 29, 2005, 23:09
with a watery grin......I'm trying to given them up said Colin...Why dont you.....
Title: re: story time
Post by: Bookworm on Sep 29, 2005, 23:31
... put the packet on the radiator for a while. I might try a couple when they're not so damp."
With that, Colin strode stridently and with an air of importance in his multi-coloured Speedo's, towards the poorly maintained and slightly murky swimming pool. From behind his Ray-Ban's (Ebay ?2.99) he spied...
Title: re: story time
Post by: Chompish on Sep 30, 2005, 11:58
something that he had never seen before! A pair of perfectly rounded...
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 30, 2005, 16:05
buttocks  :oops:  clad only in .....
Title: re: story time
Post by: CW on Sep 30, 2005, 16:10
see through Lycra  :lol: this was to be the start of.............
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 30, 2005, 18:14
a new era, reaching the very pinicle of.....
Title: re: story time
Post by: llllllllllll llll lllllll on Sep 30, 2005, 19:25
his tool which reached a new personal best of 3 inches` so he....
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Sep 30, 2005, 21:03
pulled on a pair of silver shell suit pants which almost....
Title: re: story time
Post by: CW on Sep 30, 2005, 21:47
covered his dignity, then lo and behold the ground opened and up came the goddess of............
Title: re: story time
Post by: llllllllllll llll lllllll on Oct 01, 2005, 07:06
of the holy tadger` to grant him a wish...
Title: re: story time
Post by: CW on Oct 01, 2005, 11:58
:lol: (cant type for laughing here)
he thought for 5 seconds then wished for ..............
Title: re: story time
Post by: Chompish on Oct 01, 2005, 12:10
a different coloured tadger and a third nipple situated on his thigh. He had always thought this would give him an advantage with the opposite sex. As promised, the goddess of the holy tadger granted the wish with the words...
Title: re: story time
Post by: CW on Oct 01, 2005, 12:17
Abra ca tadger, nipple de woo, Bobs yer Uncle and Sally's yer aunty, now you can go and..................
Title: re: story time
Post by: llllllllllll llll lllllll on Oct 01, 2005, 13:37
fill yer boots with as many slappers as ya wellies can hold! so of he went to....
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Oct 02, 2005, 13:44
search for the slappers, first he looked in Kirk Merrington, then he looked at Tudhoe then, in desperation....he went to............
Title: re: story time
Post by: CW on Oct 02, 2005, 14:23
Ferryhill, where he came across ..............
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Oct 02, 2005, 15:32
a whole pub full in the......
Title: re: story time
Post by: CW on Oct 03, 2005, 14:51
full throes of someones fortieth birthday party, this is an opportunity to good to miss he said and immediately ..............
Title: re: story time
Post by: Shane on Oct 03, 2005, 21:54
Attended speech theripy classes just so he could.....
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Oct 03, 2005, 22:08
so he knew the right way to chat up ........
Title: re: story time
Post by: Bookworm on Oct 03, 2005, 22:13
... learn how to say, "Around the rugged rocks the ragged rascals ran." several times, really fast. And also "I 'm not a pheasant plucker, I'm a pheasant plucker's son."
Try as he might, he just couldn't manage to...
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Oct 04, 2005, 02:07
get through it without saying the dreaded....
Title: re: story time
Post by: Bookworm on Oct 04, 2005, 02:15
"I'm only plucking pheasants 'till the pheasant plucker comes."
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Oct 04, 2005, 06:51
that is what he meant to say....what he actually did say was ...'I am only ......................................
Title: re: story time
Post by: CW on Oct 04, 2005, 08:37
I am only a poor pleasant plonker please help me...................
Title: re: story time
Post by: Chompish on Oct 04, 2005, 10:17
plonk my pleasant pheasant.....
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Oct 04, 2005, 13:06
so every one went out looking for pheasants.......they searched high and low but all they came back with was......;.
Title: re: story time
Post by: CW on Oct 04, 2005, 13:12
a partridge in a pear tree...........
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Oct 04, 2005, 21:52
the partridge we can eat but where the hel are we going to put the .......
Title: re: story time
Post by: Chompish on Oct 05, 2005, 11:56
bloody pears, theres thousands of them here. Maybe we could....
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Oct 05, 2005, 12:42
sell them on Ferryhill Market on Friday, we could even.....
Title: re: story time
Post by: Shane on Oct 05, 2005, 15:56
sell them on ebay with....
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Oct 05, 2005, 16:08
the option of Palpal,   we could even advertise them on....
Title: re: story time
Post by: Bookworm on Oct 05, 2005, 18:06
...the side of BeerMonster's Taxi.
Title: re: story time
Post by: Shane on Oct 05, 2005, 21:39
He loved taxi's because he always wanted to be a taxi....
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Oct 06, 2005, 00:59
driver but it was a bit difficult for him because he could only drive a....
Title: re: story time
Post by: CW on Oct 06, 2005, 08:32
three wheeler and you couldn't get many passenger sin that, alas he felt destined to ..............
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Oct 06, 2005, 09:41
buy a rickshaw.........but when he got it he couldnt....
Title: re: story time
Post by: Chompish on Oct 06, 2005, 12:14
figure out how to work it. "It's got no engine he said, or bugger it 'll go for a few pints and then come back and sell it on Ebay"....
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Oct 06, 2005, 18:07
unfortunatly...not being able to find out how the rickshaw worked.....he certainly didnt know how to work the computer to get onto ebay, so he found himself in a bit of a predicament. What should he do next?....
Title: re: story time
Post by: Shane on Oct 06, 2005, 19:00
Then he thought he would phone up 'flog it' but he spent all of his money on mixups to afford a phone so he had to get some money from his...
Title: re: story time
Post by: CW on Oct 06, 2005, 19:40
Granny who had recently won the lottery. she had promised Colin that ..........
Title: re: story time
Post by: Bookworm on Oct 06, 2005, 20:10
...she would teach him how to knit tea-cosies, from thread spun from his own belly-button fluff.
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Oct 06, 2005, 21:19
he knit 500 tea cosies and what will i do with the rest of my fluff ........
Title: re: story time
Post by: Shane on Oct 17, 2005, 20:22
What happend to this post or did naths take it over.?
Title: re: story time
Post by: CW on Oct 17, 2005, 22:39
said a passer by ...............

 :lol:  :lol:
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Oct 17, 2005, 22:51
who was trying to sell 100 second hand Asda carrier bags....
Title: re: story time
Post by: CW on Oct 17, 2005, 23:15
which he picked up free at Tesco as they were having a.....................
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Oct 18, 2005, 07:29
clearout sale of unwanted goods, they did offer them to Morrisons but....
Title: re: story time
Post by: Chompish on Oct 18, 2005, 11:32
they said that they already had millions of Safeway ones left. The head of Morrisons, a man by the name of Marion said that he would be better off using them for.....
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Oct 18, 2005, 18:47
toilet paper but on closer examination found that....
Title: re: story time
Post by: Shane on Oct 18, 2005, 19:04
the bags could cause disease, so what he did was...
Title: re: story time
Post by: CW on Oct 18, 2005, 19:13
Set up a stall on shildon market, there was but one, and gave them away to bemused passers by who immediately............
Title: re: story time
Post by: bazza on Oct 18, 2005, 22:50
took them to the police station which was unforunatly closed for the day....