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Jokes and Humour / Re: Oh no! Not another one.
« Last Post by Lancelot on Yesterday at 22:07 »
Not one of my normal messages . Bit more serious . If anybody knows of any lonely old people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can they let me know, I need to borrow some chairs.
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Jokes and Humour / Re: Oh no! Not another one.
« Last Post by Lancelot on Dec 05, 2019, 00:19  »
My kids keep laughing at me getting things confused as I get older.

I bet they won't be laughing at Christmas when there's no eggs
under the bonfire!
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Jokes and Humour / Re: Oh no! Not another one.
« Last Post by Lancelot on Nov 21, 2019, 22:02  »
Driving by Regents Park the sat nav kept saying 'Bear left', 'Bear left'.

I then realised I was passing London Zoo.
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Jokes and Humour / Think about it.
« Last Post by Lancelot on Nov 15, 2019, 19:01  »
My mate told me he's thinking of divorcing his wife coz she hasn't spoken to him in over 4 months.

I told him to think it over very carefully coz women like that are bloody hard to find.
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Jokes and Humour / Re: Oh no! Not another one.
« Last Post by Lancelot on Nov 14, 2019, 18:51  »
My wife was going through her wardrobe, she said "look at this, it still fits me after 25 years" I said "It's a scarf"
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Jokes and Humour / Re: Oh no! Not another one.
« Last Post by Lancelot on Nov 13, 2019, 20:40  »
The owner of a golf course in Surrey was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of London. I need some help.

If I were to give you £20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought for a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings”.
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Jokes and Humour / Re: NOW
« Last Post by Lancelot on Oct 22, 2019, 09:26  »
An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning.

She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
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Jokes and Humour / NOW
« Last Post by Lancelot on Oct 13, 2019, 09:57  »
 "Your dog has been barking for the last 3 friggin hours!" My neighbour ranted this morning,
"I've got a serious hangover and I'm trying to get some sleep!"

"Then it might help if you got out of his kennel" I told him.

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Jokes and Humour / It's worth it
« Last Post by Lancelot on Oct 12, 2019, 23:22  »
Despite the high cost of living,  have you noticed how popular it still is?
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Jokes and Humour / I'll get you
« Last Post by Lancelot on Oct 12, 2019, 17:32  »
To the person who stole my glasses - I'll get you I still have contacts.
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